In the past I have avoided the subject of my sexuality as it normally means talking about people in my life, and people in my life read this blog and I’ll only end upsetting somebody if I did that. Well I am going there now as it not about other people and only about myself. If you don’t wanna read a post talking about me being gay or keen to post homophobic crap, just go away, you only be wasting your time.
On Sunday, it will be my eighteenth birthday. I will be legal drinking age, I will be able to look at dodgy content on the internet without lying about my age, and I will be able to sign forms. Fantastic. But I feel something is missing. I don’t really care too much about that stuff. I hardly drink alcohol, I cannot say that I don’t often look at guys on the internet (cause believe me I do 
) but hardly look at porn, and the signing forms bit. Well thats scary, before you had the legal protection of parents and you out there alone now.
What really matters to me is that when I am growing up that I have somebody in my life to be with, that I love and loves me back, that I can trust to talk with about things, somebody to cuddle when you feeling low. That sort of thing. And it really concerns me that everybody I loved in that way doesn’t feel anything back. I haven’t been in any relationship. Nada. Zero. Nothing. Well one that was a secret but just carry on reading.
Well you might wonder why I am mentioning anything of this. Well fear not,let me explain that. After speaking to various people over the internet (on things like Messenger and Twitter), it became clear what might been going wrong so far, well my theory.
Its goes like this. After losing confidence after getting dumped without being told that I was or having somebody giving me the impression that they loved me plus cared for me but then telling me that their straight, have meant that I sort of backed into a plain personality where I made sure you couldn’t tell I was gay on at least first impressions. And if you have gay people thinking that you are straight, you never going to have that relationship you want so badly.
And I’ve done this for such along period, I am finding it hard to be who want to and have things I want like a more openly gay social life and a relationship. Maybe I am thinking too much into this. Maybe I have to work slowly at getting this and you can’t expect to see a hint of this happening overnight. I would be more camp but I forced myself not be over the past year, it hard to. 
I don’t know why some folks think that I have chosen my sexuality. It brings some hurdles that heterosexual people don’t have to jump though. And its not like I haven’t got enough hurdles to jump. I don’t want to go deeply into this but you can’t just walk up to a guy and expect to get his phone number like maybe you would expect if you was a guy walking up to a girl. Or I don’t know, you can’t be gay without having people asking what its like to be gay. That question is stupid, ‘its like your life but replace the girl you fancy with a guy’ is my reply.
I need to be more gay.
Update 1: After reading a tumblr post from somebody in my group at college. Maybe some of this is related to a Avoidance personalty disorder? I mean, I think I tick some of the boxes on that wiki. Meh. My brain hurts from thinking all day and I am bored. Milkshake. 
Update 2: Amazed that a blog that I follow have posted pretty much what I said in my post, I relate to everything he said. I think you should give it read. 
